I was released from the hospital a week later...and everything was back to normal. Victoria and I were back into the new apartment in Queens and our lives went on. There wasn't a single moment in time though, that I didn't think of the sacrifice that Alana made for me. The shooter was convicted and sent away to prison for a very long time and in the end, everything felt like a routine...it was...predictable.
I found myself looking for adventure and that's when I opened the little diary once again and read what Gayle left for me...
There isn't a single day that goes by without me second guessing myself on telling him what is really going on. I feel like if I tell him the honest truth that he would get mad at me...he cares like no one else does and it's something that I have never experienced before...I don't want to lose him...but eventually the day will come when everything is over...I need to find the courage.
I assumed she was speaking of the day she was leaving...but I had this gut feeling that there was something more to it than that. Before I can turn the page, Victoria came to me and asked, "what's that?" I told her it was nothing and she held my hand and kissed my cheek ever so softly. Victoria turned her head, looked me in the eyes and told me, "I love you."
I sat, kissed her back and said that there wasn't a single place in the world that I would rather be. Her eyes watered as she held me...but for some reason, the way she held me...it felt like this was the last time I would be able to hold her in my hands. I held her tight and whispered in her ear, "is everything okay?" She began to cry and she told me, in that moment that my feelings were true, she was leaving me...
I was speechless and confused. What did I do? How can she leave me now? Where is she going? I didn't want to let her go but I couldn't believe my ears. I moved to look her in her eyes and she moved away. She turned her back to me and refused to even face my direction.
"What do you mean?" I asked. "I have to go," she said, "I'm going out west, I'm being offered a salary position at one of the schools, and it's something I really want to do." I tried my best to convince her that we don't have to be in the same place to be together, that I could even go out west with her or even me picking up the slack around the house and picking up an additional job. I didn't want her to leave, not now, not after all that has happened. And in an attempt to say how much I loved her, I said:
"You are my reason for waking every morning and sleeping every night. You are the reason that I can smile and look forward to seeing your face, your eyes, your smile. There's nothing else in this world that can bring me that happiness...Victoria...I want to marry you and have kids and have a future together...please don't leave me."
She finally turned to me and said "I'm pregnant...and it's not yours..."
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