Chapter VII: Only Hope

For a year I was afraid to fall asleep because I thought that if I closed my eyes, she wouldn’t be there when I opened them. I had the genuine fear of being alone…a genuine fear of feeling alone…I just didn’t want to be all by myself…but I guess in the end…being alone was much more of a better feeling than being heartbroken.

My heart wasn’t only broken, it was shattered…it was destroyed and thrown in the toilet to be flushed away. I spent the next few months recollecting what ever was left of the embarrassment that I called “my life.” I focused more on finding myself through my work and ended up becoming one of the junior writers for the company after a shift of luck came in my direction. My senior writer Jessica Conroy read a piece I wrote about Alana and Victoria and decided that it was good enough to put on paper after someone walked out before posting his column.

Last I heard of Victoria she moved down to South Beach and moved in with her mother. But before she left, she told me something I will never forget…”you’re the one girls wait to marry.” It was something that replayed in my mind over and over again…it was something that almost made me forgive her for what she had done.

I found myself sitting and writing everyday…everything became so ordinary, so routine. Until a phone call at the office changed everything…

“Hello?” I answered, unexpected of the phone call…

“Hey, it’s Jessica…come out for lunch I have someone to introduce you to…”

I picked up my laptop, sports coat and sunglasses and headed out. As i stood there waiting for the elevator to open up…a girl passed by me and her perfume was so distinct…I didn’t pay any mind to it, no matter how tantalizing the smell was. I put my shades on and walked into the elevator as the doors opened. I looked back towards the girl and I saw Gayle White.

I tried to push the doors to open, but I failed to do it in time. It was no longer than two minutes as the elevator went down to the first floor…i don’t have to say how long those two minutes were. I pressed twenty-four and headed back to the office but before the doors closed a hand came and blocked the door from closing…it was Jessica.

“Hey, did you leave something upstairs?” She said to me

There was utter shock on my face still from the moment that had just befallen on me as I stuttered to say “yes.” She rode the elevator up with me to make sure that I got to her lunch date with her. She was telling me how she wanted to meet someone very important to the company, someone who could publish my book, but all I could think about was getting to that floor and getting to Gayle…

The doors open and I immediately begin looking around for her. Frantically and anxiously i walk around everyone’s cubicles and look and look…and then I saw the dress. The same black dress that I saw Gayle in as I was leaving for the elevator. The world stopped as I began walking towards her, I had no idea what I would be saying or what I would even do to say “hi” but it was her and that’s all I cared about.

Before I could reach her Jessica interrupted “Oh you found her!”

I turned remembering that Jessica was still there and said “ummm, who?”

“Come let me introduce you.” She took my hand and tapped the girl in the black dress. I held my breathe waiting for Gayle’s eyes to once again be against mine. She turned and to my surprise…

“This is Isabel Horn…Isabel this is the guy I was telling you about.”

It wasn’t Gayle…but what did me seeing her mean? It didn’t make sense to me.

“Hello,” I said before my stare became any more awkward than it already was. You could sense the disappointment in me just by the face I was making. She smiled though and shook my hand. “Jessica told me a lot about you, will you be joining us for lunch?”

I nodded and agreed to lunch with a Isabel and Jessica. We sat there and talked about a donation Isabel had just made to the company and how she would love for me to begin writing a romance novel for her publishing company. I stopped for a smoke as Jessica and Isabel were headed back to the office.

All I could think about is how I know I saw Gayle today…I wasn’t wrong…it was her, it had to be her…could I have been wrong? What does all this mean? Is this a sign? It has to be a sign…

Then the sound of a car horn startled me, but the sound of what came after shocked me even more…

Chapter VI: A Change is Coming

I was released from the hospital a week later...and everything was back to normal. Victoria and I were back into the new apartment in Queens and our lives went on. There wasn't a single moment in time though, that I didn't think of the sacrifice that Alana made for me. The shooter was convicted and sent away to prison for a very long time and in the end, everything felt like a routine...it was...predictable.

I found myself looking for adventure and that's when I opened the little diary once again and read what Gayle left for me...

There isn't a single day that goes by without me second guessing myself on telling him what is really going on. I feel like if I tell him the honest truth that he would get mad at me...he cares like no one else does and it's something that I have never experienced before...I don't want to lose him...but eventually the day will come when everything is over...I need to find the courage.

I assumed she was speaking of the day she was leaving...but I had this gut feeling that there was something more to it than that. Before I can turn the page, Victoria came to me and asked, "what's that?" I told her it was nothing and she held my hand and kissed my cheek ever so softly. Victoria turned her head, looked me in the eyes and told me, "I love you."

I sat, kissed her back and said that there wasn't a single place in the world that I would rather be. Her eyes watered as she held me...but for some reason, the way she held me...it felt like this was the last time I would be able to hold her in my hands. I held her tight and whispered in her ear, "is everything okay?" She began to cry and she told me, in that moment that my feelings were true, she was leaving me...

I was speechless and confused. What did I do? How can she leave me now? Where is she going? I didn't want to let her go but I couldn't believe my ears. I moved to look her in her eyes and she moved away. She turned her back to me and refused to even face my direction.

"What do you mean?" I asked. "I have to go," she said, "I'm going out west, I'm being offered a salary position at one of the schools, and it's something I really want to do." I tried my best to convince her that we don't have to be in the same place to be together, that I could even go out west with her or even me picking up the slack around the house and picking up an additional job. I didn't want her to leave, not now, not after all that has happened. And in an attempt to say how much I loved her, I said:

"You are my reason for waking every morning and sleeping every night. You are the reason that I can smile and look forward to seeing your face, your eyes, your smile. There's nothing else in this world that can bring me that happiness...Victoria...I want to marry you and have kids and have a future together...please don't leave me."

She finally turned to me and said "I'm pregnant...and it's not yours..."

Chapter V: Moments For One

At first all I could hear was the sound of the heart monitor: "BEEP, BEEP, BEEP." I couldn't see anything that was going on. Next I heard the sounds of people urgently talking to one another and the sounds of instruments rustling. Finally I heard a the monitor flat line...
I came to consciousness and my vision was blurred. I was sitting in a hospital all wired up as if someone had given me surgery. I looked down at my chest and felt a sharp pain. There was bandages around my stomach and a giant pad on my chest. I looked around and I saw Victoria sleeping on the chair besides me. She looked so calm and peaceful in her sleep. I tried to recollect my memories of that night but all I can remember was the gun shot. "BANG," and then the sounds of the heart monitor and surgical room. The more I tried to remember the more it hurt for me to move.
I laid my head back on the pillow and stared at the ceiling. The one person who I couldn't stop thinking about was Alana...what happened to her? The nurse came in a few minutes later and checked to make sure everything was in order. She smiled at me and said: "how do you feel?" I smiled back and gave a slight nod.
The doctor came in soon after. Her name was Sheryl Wood, she came towards me with an awkward smile as if she was almost forcing it. From that moment I knew something bad happened to me. Victoria woke up upon her entering. Sheryl told me that I was unconscious for the last day or so. Victoria began holding my hand as she knew some news was coming. Sheryl began telling me the story on how it all began....

We got a call late two nights ago about a shooting around the Queens area and we were called into action. When I got here I had two victims. One had been you and the other was a Miss. Alana Linebrink. You had been shot on the left side of your chest but exactly underneath your heart. There was a second wound but less lethal. Alana was shot as well, but her wound was very much treatable. We did everything in our power to save you but what you needed was a transplant...a heart transplant. Alana was healing and we kept you on support for hours. She came into your room that night and left you this note.

To My Hero,
I am sorry for bringing this on you and I am sorry for the actions of tonight. I never wanted any of this to happen. You were the only person who I felt was there for me in a time where no one would even dare to look at the girl with the black eye. I smiled a true smile with you, laughed a true laugh, and loved a true love...even though I only saw you a few times and none has ever been as heart wrenching as my first time I felt like you were my brother. A brother I always wanted when my parents would hit me...a brother who would stand up for me. I promise you that you will live to tell your story and in the end I know you will share mine as well. I love you for what you have done and I thank you from the deepest ends of my heart.
- Alana

She died that night from natural causes...it was almost as if it was meant to be, because her heart is now yours. You both shared the same blood type and she filled a will only for her heart. She gave it to you...so that you can live on. Alana Linebrink is the greatest woman I have ever known.

I began to tear and Victoria was there beside me with her eyes watery. I held the letter ever so gently in my hands and folded it back up before crying my eyes out. The girl with the black eye who I cared for gave her heart to me...she gave everything to me.
I was left alone that night in the hospital bed and all I could do was hold the letter in my hands and look at the stars from outside my window. There was a patient beside me who heard the entire story. His name was David Knight and he was an old man waiting to die. Those were his words to be exact. He looked at me holding the letter and he got up and stood beside me as I stared into space. "We all die young one...my favorite writer wrote once that the goal is not to live forever...it's to create something that will." His words pierced my heart and I began to tear again.
David fell back to sleep while I stayed looking out the window. I stayed there for hours thinking of what I would've said to her if I was conscious but nothing ever came to mind. In a life full of moments there is only one that leads to something special, this is my moment and I will do everything in my power to live the life that Alana would've been proud of...I swear it...

Chapter IV: A Little White Diary

It has been almost a year and I have been with Victoria for a few months now. She became a full time teacher at the school she was working at and flew out with her students to visit Washington for a field trip this month. We decided to move in together so once again I'm on the move. Had a few friends help me out with the boxes and found a bunch of stuff that I didn't even open when I first moved into the city.
I went through those boxes and did some "this is where that thing was!" moments. The last box I went through had nothing but a bunch of styrofoam peanuts and one small black book. It had to have some importance to me being the only thing in a box that size. I took it downstairs to the living room sat on the big brown love seat and opened the book.
THIS DIARY BELONGS TO GAYLE WHITE, it read. I stopped in my tracks in this new discovery that I had found. I slammed it shut before i could read any further. I walked into the kitchen and gave myself a shot of whiskey...and another shot...and another. I looked back down at the book and opened it again. It read:

With nothing ventured there is nothing gained...I fell in love today, never thought it was ever possible but i did. He's a sweet guy and he means the best...I could definitely find myself marrying him one day...still...there is the matter of ME that effects everything. I never told him about anything and he is definitely bound to find out, I just don't want to break his heart...if I told him the truth I don't think he would ever forgive me...I just hope one day he understands.

I didn't bother to read the next page...to be honest I was terrified of the next page. It's been so long and now is when Gayle reenters my life. Why now? I remember the last few moments we shared together and I remember her exact smile and laugh and even touch...what am I doing? I'm with Victoria now and I love her.
"KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK," there was someone at the door and the knocks seemed a little urgent. I walked over and three more knocks were heard. I opened the door and it was Alana, in tears. "You said you would be there!" I was in shock when I first saw her, she looked exhausted and she was still crying even you can see it in her that she was holding back her tears.
I wanted to hug her but she was in no mood for any physical contact. She pushed me and cried a little harder, "where were you, when I needed you?!" I was speechless. She began to strike me and I held her and grabbed her close. She was crying even harder now, she pushed and pulled but she finally gave in to my embrace. She held me tight, almost as if she let go she let go of her life and I held her.
"HEY!" I heard from the distance. I looked and it was a fairly big man with a huge anger problem heading my way. Alana shivered in fright, I moved her behind me to protect her and thats when I saw it. The man pulled a pistol from his back and pointed it directly at me.
My heart was racing as he screamed and rushed towards me. I closed my eyes and waited for the impact. "BANG!" it was all i heard before the world came crashing down...

Chapter III: Worth the Risk

In life you make choices that can either bring you this eternal feeling of happiness or bring you this feeling of complete emptiness. Its the decisions we make that decide the future for us and what story lies ahead of us.
I sat on my couch turned on the TV and tried to drink some coffee but all I could think about was Alana. She effected my life, in some small way she changed the way I look at things now. What she was going back to was something I truly wanted to save her from and made my promise to save her...if it was the last thing i do i would save her.
"RING," the phone rings and Victoria is on the other end. She asked if I wanted to grab a coffee and I agreed to meet her at one of the local Starbucks. For that moment I agreed to enjoy the time with Victoria and try not to worry much about Alana but she was always in the back of my mind.
I was running a little late getting to the coffee shop but when i got there Victoria didn't seem to mad. She waved at me as I came in and i gave a big smile back to her. She was wearing a sundress and a thin white sweater. Her radiance was remarkable and her smile brightened my day. I walked up to her and said "I bet 90% of the people you have met have told you, you have a wonderful smile." She giggled at my feeble attempt of a flirtatious move but I smiled as if I made an ass of myself on purpose.
We sat, talked and drunk some coffee. We talked about her work and me and my work. We talked about her family and my family but when it came down to talking to our past relationships that is where we got closer to one another.
She told me about how her first love broke her heart and I told her my story:

I was young when I met the girl who I thought i was truly madly and deeply in love with. Her name was Gayle White, she was a great girl. She did everything in her power to become best friends with you and your family before even thinking about holding your hand. But when she held you it was as if all of your worries went away. She hugged and never let go, she made you feel comfortable in your own skin. Her eyes were always so innocent and her smile was amazing. She was really someone you can fall for...but she left me one day and never came back. I always wanted to find her but I learned never to get hung up over your first love or else love will never come back into your life.

Victoria was moved by my story and looked into my eyes as if she wanted to read my whole life through my mind. She gave a coy smile before blushing and turning away. With her cheeks pink I smiled back at her. "I want to bring you somewhere," I told her. She agreed with a smile and took my hand as I offered.
We walked down to Penn Station and then down near the water until we came across a small park. We sat there and talked some more before watching a truly perfect sunset. She got closer to me and I saw her eyes begin to water. She told me that she never met someone like me before. Someone who was so willing to help and open up to friends. Someone who wasn't afraid of showing people who he is.
I smile back at her and told her that I have nothing to hide especially from a girl like her...a girl who I'm half in love with. She asked "half?" And i told her that I've learned that once a girl does something pretty, once a girl makes you smile you can fall for her but once she gets close to you and looks you in the eyes that is when you can say, that at first sight you made me smile, at this moment you made me fall.
I kissed her as the sky turned orange and the sun fell ever so slowly behind the clouds. We sat there for an extra hour or with nothing but each others' company to make us grin. I was falling in love again, with a teacher named Victoria...but i wondered is falling in love worth the risk of getting hurt again...at that moment, yes it was definitely worth the risk...

Chapter II: Black Eyed Girl

I came home to a girl with bruises on her face and cuts on her arms...my day of pure excitement and fun had turned into a day of extreme fright. People walked right past her if she wasn't even there, I sat beside her and I gave her my coat. I reached into my pocket for my handkerchief and began to wipe her face. She looked at me and begin crying her eyes out.

I carried her up to my apartment and that is where she cried herself to sleep...I sat in the living room and couldn't stop myself from staring at her as she slept so peacefully. I had a glass of wine that night knowing what I had just discovered was the reality in this world. Some girls can be like Victoria and as free and lucky as she and some girls are like this one in front of me, barred and separated from the world. I skipped out of the work the next day and waited for her to wake.

In the kitchen I started to make breakfast. Scrambled eggs with Canadian bacon and a side piece of toast. As i cooked I wondered what do I say to this girl? What will she say to me? How did she get those bruises?

Time went by so slowly as countless amounts of questions roamed in my mind. "TING" the toast was done and as i walked to the toaster, there she was with my jacket over her looking back at me through the doorway. I was speechless in the moment as I was unprepared for the moment. And in a moment of awkwardness I hear the squeak of her voice saying "thank you." I just sighed and motioned for her to sit down.

I placed a plate of food in front of her and she stared at it before looking back at me with a overjoyed smile. She ate so carefully to savor every bit, it was almost as if she had not eaten the food prepared for her before. I sat across from her with a cup of coffee and a biscuit. Still i was clueless on what to say.

Finally I asked "what's your name?" She stopped eating, picked up the napkin beside her plate and wipe her mouth so gently. "My name is Alana," she said "I got these bruises...when i fell down the stairs." I knew she was lying from what she told me and how she said it. "How old are you?" She took a sip of the orange juice i placed next to her and said "I am 20 years old."

I was in shock of her age as she looked more of a twelve year old then someone close to my age. But she proved it to me when she gave me her ID card. ALANA LINEBRINK it said she lived down the block from me, i asked her if she wanted to go home but she just stuffed her mouth and mumbled through her words. She went to the bathroom after breakfast to try to put herself together again as I washed the dishes. I wanted...no...needed to ask her for the truth. I ran through it in my mind over and over and over again but I was still so frightened to ask her. I figured the best way was to ask her for a straight answer and hopefully she will give me something I can work with.

She came out from the bathroom and only then did I see the innocence in her face and the deepness in her eyes. Looking into her eyes was like reading a story that would never end. It was...hypnotizing. I couldn't bare to see her run if I asked her about her bruises again. I was afraid for her life. So instead i took her for a walk, I asked her about who she was and she was very opened about the things she told me, but the incident was always so elusive.

She was an artist who lived with her boyfriend and she study the art of Picasso in college. She was amazed on the lines and colors of his work. She was very passionate about the arts, I knew she was very much in love with everything and anything about it.

At the end of the day i asked her what would she do now? And she just smiled and said she would be okay. She told me that if she was ever in trouble, she would know what stoop to sit on. I stood there as she walked off into the night with a new jump in her step, but for some reason I felt it in my bones that this was not the last I would see of this girl...