Chapter IX: For All I See

It seems every time that I open Gayle’s diary I get even more and more confused on the reality that was set upon me. I remember the day when I told her my love for her and I remember the day that she told me that she was leaving for Paris. I remember it as if it was yesterday…how can I forget.

I sat and stared a bit for a while and listened to nothing as nothing happened. I looked down on the book and I was too scared to reopen it for what I might find. Just the thought of what I might find next put an ache in my mind. I looked up and realized I was the only one in the cafeteria until I heard the clicking of heels coming down the hallway. Through the corridor it was Dr. Sheryl Wood again, walking down to the vending machine to get her tomato juice.

I cleared my throat and she took notice. “Hey, it seems like I’m always running into you here in this place. Ever think about finding a new hangout?” She said to me with a smile. I smiled back and motion for her to take the open chair next to mine. She came with a bottle of tomato juice and a folder in her hand. She pulled out her scrunchy and let her hair flow. It was her one moment of pure rest and relaxation, something I haven’t seen from her…she was truly beautiful.

“How is Jessica and Isabel doing?” I asked.

“Well Jessica is okay and I know you haven’t went to visit Isabel yet but she seems to be just fine…her daughter is in the room with her…why don’t you try to stop by and give her a quick check up?” She said in response.

I said nothing as I looked back down on the diary and remembered something Gayle wrote in the last entry. Today is the day I visit Dr. Wood. I looked down on Sheryl’s name tag and it was SHERYL WOOD MD. I looked up at her and she was already looking back at me wondering my thoughts.

“Dr. Wood? How long have you been working here?”

“So many questions today I see…well I have been here for almost four years. Treated a lot of people here in those years.”

“Have you ever heard of Gayle White?”

She looked at me with shock in her eyes as she heard the name, and asked how I knew her. I told her of our past and she smiled a little.

“She spoke a lot about you…actually she wrote in a little book all the time and every time I asked her what she was writing about she told me it was you.”

She paused for a minute, looked down and put her hand on mine. She looked into my eyes and told me: “She really loved you and I was jealous of her to have someone to hold onto like she did.”

Sheryl’s beeper went off and she apologized for rushing off, but her one last look at me and the words she told me was enough for me to open the diary again…The little book had only one page left and it read:

He came to me today and we held each other with such a tight embrace. I felt as if I was lost for years and he was the only one who could lead me through the forest of darkness I found myself in. I was caught in the moment and never got the chance to tell him the truth…but I am going to leave this book with him so that maybe one day, with hope he will find it and it would reveal to him the ending to my story. So I write to you:

I am dying…I have only six months…or at least that’s what they tell me. I couldn’t bare to tell you the truth because I enjoyed the moments we shared with one another…enjoyed the life we shared and I couldn’t bare to watch you watch me die. I left you with the story of me leaving to Paris because it was always the place I wanted to visit…maybe you can go one day…for me…I love you and always will. I will never forget the touch of you hands against mine, the warmth of your hugs as you held me, the softness of your lips as we kissed. I will never forget the fact that my heart will belong to you and only you…forgive me for hiding the truth…forgive me for loving you so much…but know that your heart beats with mine and always will. Love is not enough to describe my feeling, but what I want from you is to live as I would…with a smile worth smiling and a heart full of love. I will never leave you, my love and I will never ever stop loving you.

Gayle White, the love of my life, the only person who I could remember loving so much was gone…and I never knew. I found myself crying in an empty room feeling alone in the world i was left in. I was there for hours trying to figured out what was happening, but I realized without her I wouldn’t have been where I am now…I wouldn’t have felt the things that I did and be the person that I am.

I found the strength to pick myself up…Gayle White I will never forget the times we shared, the love that we gave one another and I will never forget you…but I can’t stop to wonder, why didn’t you tell me?

I went to visit Isabel a little later on and I walked in as her and her daughter were playing a game of solitaire on the computer. I knocked three times and Isabel looked happy to see me. She gave me a happy hello and introduced me to her daughter Paulina. We talked a little bit, watched some prime time television and stayed there until Paulina fell asleep next to her mother. I tried to sneak out as they both snoozed but Isabel caught me as I motioned towards the door.

“Hey before you leave can I ask you something?” She asked.

“Sure what is it?”

“Jessica told me you always walk around and carry this beat up little book…you mind if I ask…why is it so special to you?”

I hesitated to answer and pulled out the book from my back pocket. I looked down on it and looked back on Isabel as she waited for my answer.

“It’s the only thing that I have to keep memories of the only thing person I truly loved…the one who changed my life and put me where I am now. If I parted way with it…it just seems like the love that we had would just be a memory.”

“Things that you love never really leave you…even if you don’t have that little diary there…if she loved you as you loved her, then one little book doesn’t really matter…because that feeling you get when the wind brushes your cheeks is her way of letting her know she’s still there…it’s almost as if she’s kissing you letting you know she’s not out of reach.” She smiled at me before closing her eyes again.

The words she spoke to me it really made me realize that Gayle was always with me and always will be with me. No matter of what she told me or didn’t tell me, it never changed the fact that my love for her still burns and will always burn…I forgive you Gayle and I promise you to one day make you proud of who I am…proud of the person you helped to shape in life…proud of the person who you loved. Your heart is in mine and with me…it lives on…

Chapter VIII: Familiar Strangers

There is this one uncomfortable feeling you get when you first walk into a hospital. There is an even more unbearable feeling when you know someone inside. I came rushing in after Jessica and Isabel got hit by a car on the way back to the office. It went by so fast…I couldn’t do anything but watch…and now, I’m back in the hospital again.

I was in a room with Jessica as she laid sleeping…I found myself in these crossroads in figuring out what I should do. Go back to work, stay here. I was lost, it seems like when the shit hits the fan, in my life, it splatters all over the place. I went down to the vending machines for a big of cookies or chips, something to fill my stomach. I reached down and opened the little door that brings me to the little baggy inside and get my treat. When I looked up, I saw a familiar face.

“Hey,” she said and I looked back and said: “Hi Victoria…”

I was speechless as I saw her in a wheelchair preparing to give birth, I assume. I asked how she was and she replied with a smile. We sat and chatted for a little bit…she told me how she moved back to the city that made all of her dreams come true. Her husband Carson came in. I introduced myself and told him that he was a very lucky man to land a girl like her. He smiled, gave me a handshake and told me that he’s heard a lot about me and was proud to name their son after me.

I was in shock to know that Victoria never forgot about me and would honor me by naming her son after me. I got a little teary eyed as they told me that…she kissed me on the cheek and gave me a big hug as they began to walk back to their room. But before she let go she whispered in my ear: “You’re the guy girls wait to marry.” It was one of the best compliments I ever had.

Even though Victoria broke my heart, even though she left…I was okay after she told me the things she did in that hospital. I was smiling a genuine smile. I went back to the room where Jessica was and I saw someone else I knew. Dr. Sheryl Wood, she was the person who treated me after Alana, and just so happened to be the doctor of Jessica as well. I smiled when I saw her and Jessica awake…everything was going to be okay i told myself. Sheryl left the room and I stayed their with Jessica for a while and talked to Jessica about work and life.

“Can I ask you something?” She said. I nodded. “With all of those stories you wrote I always wanted to ask you…have you ever been in love? I mean the type of love that these four letters couldn’t define…the true, real, genuine love?”

I was confused in what she was telling me and was speechless. I truly had no clue what to say. I looked back at her smiled and just nodded.

“I love to think so…” I said.

“How did you ever get over it?” She replied.

And I looked at her and her eyes began to water. I knew something was wrong. I told her: “Falling in love isn’t the hard part in a relationship, it’s the constant clawing out which hurts the most.” She told me all about her failed marriage with her cheating husband and asked me for advice. Jessica was a lovely person and she didn’t deserve a man who didn’t truly love her. She held on because there was some hope of her and him being the old them…the time where every kiss felt like the first kiss. I told her:

In the world of falling in love and living in romance, every moment matters. The little things are meant to keep you happy not frustrate you. You deserve someone who is going to be there when you want to do something new and he is there right next to you ready for anything. Someone who is going to hold your hand during moments that scare the hell out of you just so you know he is there. Someone who will make you smile even when the rain comes falling and your day seems all dark and grim. Someone who can truly, honestly and deeply say that he loves you. Jessica you deserve to smile and be happy.

I did the best I could and to me, what I said didn’t really mean anything…but she hugged me as if her life changed. In the end I felt like the only thing I told her was things she already knew. She held me tight a thanked me for the little pep talk I gave her. She didn’t tell me what she was planning to do, then again that is her story to finish not mine.

I went back to the vending area. I thought back to the moment I saw Isabel and thought of Gayle. I reached into my bag and took out the little book. I opened and the next page read…

Only through the pages of my journal can I truly say the things that I feel. Only through the beige colored sheets can I say how much I love him…how much I care for him…how much it hurts for me to lie to him. I can never tell him what is truly going on because I can never hurt him in such a way. My tears flow down my face as you can hear the sounds of my heart breaking before me. I love him…and always will. Today is the day I visit Dr. Wood…today is the day she tells me…please God give me a few more days with him…

The words on the page frightened me…please God give me a few more days with him…what does she mean? Where is she?